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I'm a young dyke moving into a new relationship. She's a lot more experienced than I am and knows her body pretty well. My problem is with penetration. I've never been penetrated, never had a full gynecological exam or used tampons or anything. But this is something I want to get into. I've been on the giving end, and it looks like fun. What would be the best way to approach it? Is it better to do some kind of incremental stretching first? She's completely willing to move at my pace, but I'm afraid that if I don't take the plunge, I may chicken out. I want this to be as painless as possible.
--Virgin Territory

Let's not be doing any plunging here, okay? You are not a swimming pool. If you concentrate on deep, slow breathing and allow yourself to savor what your partner is doing, you can probably keep your nerves under control. Rushing into penetration would be kind of like asking your partner to bite your clit if you'd never had oral sex before. A painful experience will just make you reluctant to try again later on. The vaginal opening can be pretty sensitive, and offers a lot of pleasurable opportunities, so slow down and enjoy making friends. Before you try any penetration, your partner can explore the outer opening with her tongue or a lubricated finger. (Use water-based lubricant only, please, nothing greasy or oily.) There are more nerve endings here than there are deeper in, anyway. When you are relaxed and wet, she can try going a little further in, to see how much resistance (if any) she's going to meet. Most women can easily accommodate a couple of fingers. If the entrance seems too snug for that amount of dilation, a campaign of gradual stretching is definitely indicated. Once in a great while, the hymen is so thick that you might need a doctor's help to deal with it. But this is rare. A good beginner's technique is to try varying degrees of pressure or gentle in-and-out motions at each number around an imaginary clock. For some women, stimulation of the outer third of the vagina feels best. Other women like pressure up toward the belly button, on the roof of the vagina. And some women like deep penetration that strokes the cervix. Have fun with your new toy!

I am living in Asia and have a two-year relationship with an Asian girlfriend. She is dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia, and it's getting worse with time. At first sex was great, but now she feels like what we're doing is wrong, dirty, etc. Basically, our sex life is nonexistent now because whenever I touch her she shuts down or even becomes repulsed.

Don't suggest a sex therapist. They don't exist where we live, and she would rather die than talk to someone about it. The country we're living in is very homophobic. We'd both lose our jobs and be run out of town if anyone ever found out about us. I couldn't even dream of subscribing to your magazine. Thanks for the online version! --Overwhelmed

You are in a very tough situation, and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it. Sometimes, no matter how much two women love each other, the surrounding culture's disapproval is so strong that its influence is overpowering. If this relationship is ever going to work, she will have to see you as an ally, someone she can turn to with her troubles, rather than someone to blame for the world's hostility. So encourage your lover simply to talk more about her feelings. Why does she think lesbian sex is wrong? Where did those messages come from? Maybe you can help her to see that these negative thoughts are unreasonable. Also encourage her to talk about how stressful it is to try to have a relationship when family, employers, and everyone else seems against you. Is she worried about the future? Maybe her family is pressuring her to get married, or maybe she is upset about giving up the financial security of a heterosexual relationship. Maybe she is assuming that she can't have children and remain with you. Is there any way for her to get more positive information about lesbians or find supportive people she can chat with online?

Realize that you may not be able to change her mind. Some people are not strong enough to go against society. It sounds like you are clear about being a lesbian and wanting to have a relationship with another woman. If you are going to be happy, you may need to find a way to live in another country where there is more acceptance. I am sorry that things are so hard for you, and hope that your girlfriend will realize how much you love her, and have a change of heart. You are not a bad person, and love is never wrong.

Pat Califia is the author of numerous titles on lesbian sexuality, including Sapphistry and Coming to Power. Her latest publication is Bitch Goddess (Greenery Press), a collection of writings on the spirituality of the dominant woman. Got a question for Girltalk?  Just ask.